Week 19

21st December 2009....

I have been quite unwell the last few days. The reason is simply because I have been trying to live on only one pill alone. I have been really sick, not eating and I have been drinking very little. This is how I was a couple of weeks before my last hospital stay. I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday so I am hoping I will just be put back on both pills again....especially so I can enjoy Christmas at least....

On Monday, I had my first visit from the health visitor. I wasn't having a very good day and struggled not to be sick during our appointment. She was quite interested in the hyperemesis, more so the emotional effects. We spoke about how emotionally draining, upsetting and lonely it can make you feel and it was nice to have someone who just listened. I told her I wasn't keen to breastfeed and was waiting for the usual healthcare workers lecture.... When I explained that hyperemesis has made me housebound and unable to do anything and that I feel breastfeeding will do the same, she understood that I needed a bit of a life back and breastfeeding is very tying.

On Wednesday, I had my doctors appointment. He could see I had taken a few steps back again. He put me back on ondansetron and decided to try me on stemitil also. What a relief. He also signed me off work for another four weeks and explained that he can't put me back yet. When I arrived home the doctor phoned me to tell me he had been in touch with an obstetrician. He had suggested we tested my urine for ketones and told me that if it was "+++" I would need to be readmitted. I couldn't believe he'd put me back there two days before Christmas!! Anyway, I went back the next day and it was only "+" ao I was very pleased!!

It was Christmas on Friday. I wasn't sick at all and I had a very nice day. I think the best bit without a doubt was my present(s) from Steve. I got lots of nice stuff from him.....a bag and purse from Jane Norman, a family photo shoot, a pet photo shoot, vouchers for Jane Norman, the IT crowd box set, La Senza pj's and a dressing gown, a Sesky watch, a Bench hoody........and a trip to Paris!!!! I can't wait. Dad came to visit us and we went to see Steve's mum and dad and grandma and grandpa. Then we came home and had our steak Christmas dinner.

Boxing day was also good. We went to dad's house for a buffet. Again, I felt great. I was a bit sick over the weekend, I think I had overdone it but it was worth it!

Week 18

14th December 2009......

Its week 18! I don't even look 12 weeks pregnant, everyone keeps telling me I'm lucky but it just makes me worry. I worry that the baby is small because I've been so sick or even worse...stopped growing. However, I am still being sick so I suppose, in a horrible way, that's a good sign.

Steve is back to work this week so I'm back to being on my own although I have a lot on, trying to see people before Christmas. Friday is the only day I'm on my own. Emotionally, I am feeling a lot better, I think with the excitement of Christmas and having lots of people around it has made me feel a bit better. I am managing to get out a bit more too. I think being stuck in the house is the worst thing for anyone, you really do feel depressed and lonely. I did it for at least two months and I really feel for anyone who is permanently house-bound.

Physically, I am still being sick occasionally and still suffering awful headaches. On top of that I am having really bad pelvic pain which isn't very nice. I am still not eating very much which is making me very tired. I spent two hours cleaning the house on Wednesday and I was extremely tired for the rest of the day and I was sick that night a couple of times before bed.

Its Christmas next week!! In a way, I'm my normal excited self but also not so excited because each day is unpredictable. I don't know how I will feel on Christmas day. We have had so many invitations but I have turned them all down because I don't want someone spending hours preparing a meal I won't eat. I don't know how Steve feels about it just being the two of us and cooking for ourselves but hopefully he doesn't mind. I'll just pray Christmas day is a good day!

Week 17

7th December 2009

Steve is off on holiday this week so I will be glad of the company. There is a few things we'd like to do so hopefully I will be up to helping. This could be Steve's last holiday before baby is here so we've decided to paint the spare bedroom. Also we had to floor the attic and put a bannister on the stairs.

I have still been suffering from really bad headaches but they're managable. I decided to try and reduce my medication this week. The first couple of days I took one less cyclizine at night time which was ok, I reduced it more and more until I was able to just manage on ondansetron. The cyclizine makes me slow and drowsy so it was great to have a few days relief from it! I was sick a few times while trying different medication but it was managable. I still felt very nauseous so my eating has reduced even more. Some days I will only have a roll and some crisps and thats more than enough but then some days I do manage a bit more.

At the weekend we travelled up to mums in Inverness for the night. I was sick a few times before we left but after a couple of pills I was ok. It was nice to get away for the night but the actual act of doing something and being somewhere else made me really tired which makes me feel more nauseous or physically sick.

Anyway.... its week 17.....surely can't be much longer!!!

Week 16

30th November 2009

This week hasn't been such a good week. I have been feeling very nauseous and was sick several times on Tuesday night. I have been unable to eat so much, most days just having a sandwich or picking at a few things. This is the first time in my life I have wanted to want a huge takeaway binge!!

I have also been suffering very bad headaches for the last few days. Obviously when your pregnant you can't take a lot of medication so I've just had to put up with them. Compared to the sickness and nausea the headaches are more than managable.

I had another doctors appointment on Monday for more medication and another sick line for work. The doctor confirmed what I already knew...... that he does not know anything about hyperemesis. He asked whether the midwife, at my booking appointment, had suggested what medication I could take and if she told me when my hyperemesis would finish. I looked at him confused when he asked the second question, he's meant to be a doctor!! There is no date for it to stop, it can stop at any time or continue on until I give birth. He signed me off for another four weeks and gave me a repeat prescription (just the same as every other doctors appointment!!).

We went baby shopping for the first time at the weekend. It was good and I think we both enjoyed it. We bought a couple of baby outfits, a teddy the same size as me for babies bedroom and a pram!! We had no intention of buying something like that at 16 weeks but it was far too good a deal to pass on and we had to get it. It was the first time I have actually felt pregnant and not just ill.

Week 15

23rd November

This is the day I have written all these blogs. I have written it from how I remembered it as I never kept any kind of diary. Everyone keeps telling me I will forget how bad it actually was. Yes I might forget the severity of the sickness but I don't ever think I will forget the feeling of lonliness and unhappiness.

Having a baby is meant to be one of the happiest moments of your life but hyperemesis quickely takes any happiness away from you.

Everyone keeps asking why I am not excited - how can I be excited when I have this horrible illness which at the moment is just being masked by drugs? I can't allow myself to get excited when every single day I am putting our baby at risk by taking drugs for sickness.

I don't want sympathy from anyone, all I want is for people to understand what hyperemesis does to peoples lifes. I have been lucky as so far Steve, my family and my friends have stuck by me, not everyones lives stay the same. Many relationships break down due to hyperemesis, many people lose friends and family.

This blog has only been about how I felt during the last few weeks. I know and will never forget how it affected others too, especially Steve. He has sat through night after night of vomiting, he has gone out to the shops to get me anything that I would possibly eat/drink, he put up with me shouting and blaming him for everything, he listened to me crying for no reason and he even missed football!!!

Mum, Dad and Emma also helped me a lot and I caused them a lot of worry. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't have phoned NHS 24, I wouldn't have gone in to hospital when I did and there is a big possibility I wouldn't be here now.

Week 14

16th November

Some days are good, some are bad......... The drugs were still helping. Some days I felt sicker and tireder than others. Some days I had a few minutes where I actually got to forget I had hyperemesis. Some days I couldn't eat at all. Some days I ate a steak dinner! I never knew what the next day could bring but as long as it wasn't vomiting I didn't care.

In some ways this time, emotionally, is harder than when I was actually vomiting. I guess you feel people are now thinking that I'm not physically being sick now so why am I not just getting on with it and getting back to work.

I don't think people realise that for week after week, a person with hyperemesis can be house bound and sofa/bed bound! Your body begins to eat into your muscle because all your fat has been used. Your body has been starved of food and fluid and it takes a long time to build it back up again.

This week, we went to the hospital for another scan so Steve got to see his baby looking like a baby for the first time. We also had the booking appointment which was good. Steve, me and our families have such boring medical history that the appointment didn't take long.

Week 13

I went back to the doctor on Monday and he prescribed me ondansetron as well as cyclizine as he did not want me vomiting at all. Both these drugs together worked and it was a huge relief (again). I was still too weak to work just now, it'll take a few weeks to built myself back up.

I went out for a couple of hours every second day and I am very thankful to the people who took the time to take me out. I couldn't drive myself as the cyclizine made me drowsy. It was so hard depending on others, I havn't done it in a long time and its horrible having to do it.

The cyclizine made me drowsy and I slurred my words, I was also dizzy after being on my feet for 1/2 hour because of low blood pressure.

I felt much better emotionally but I still had that feeling of being alone and not being understood!!

Week 12

2nd November

I was sent home from hospital on cyclizine alone. For the first few days this was ok. I was eating little amounts and trying to keep my fluid intake up.

People began to act a bit different now I had been in hospital and for the first time been diagnosed with Hyperemesis. Finally!! I hoped now people would realise it wasn't over-reacting or making a big deal out of nothing. However, this isn't the case because nobody knows anything about hyperemesis. Severe sickness - thats about as far as the understanding goes. Nobody realises the emotional effects - the depression, the lonliness, the anger. Nobody understands the other physical effects - the tiredness, unable to live a normal life.

I done some reading myself on hyperemesis otherwise I would have only known what I experienced. I think hyperemesis is an illness like depression - you can only fully understand it after you have personally experienced it.

I struggled this week trying to get out a couple of times but it was so tiring! I found the days I went out worse with nausea and by the end of the week I had started vomiting again.

Weekend - Week 11

31st October

My hospital stay

I woke up the next morning in Ninewells and felt so much better. I was sick a couple of times but after another injection that stopped. I was put on cyclizine, ondansetron and stemetil. I managed to drink and I managed to eat (very little but still more than I had the last week).

Litre after litre of fluid was put up attached to my hand. The feeling of depression had gone, even though I was in hospital (my worst nightmare) I was free from the sickness. It wasn't controlling my life anymore.

My urine and fluid intake, orally and IV, was closely monitored. I was desperate to go home but the doctor said I would be in at least another night. She explained that I was very close to losing my life, my body had begun shutting down and my blood had began clotting. She questioned me on how I managed to get in to the state I had, she questioned why no doctor had admitted me or put me on medication before now. Finally, someone understood. She stood in amazement as I told her about my trips to the doctors, how I was told it was ok and sent away each time with a sick line.

I was given injections to thin my blood, more IV fluids, more anti-emetics but I would take this any day over the sickness.

Later on the next day I was allowed home after 13 bags of IV fluids, more blood tests and an ultrasound scan. I had the scan alone because of the circumstances and I was a bit disappointed Steve couldn't be there. Baby was fine, a little small but fine.

Week 11

26th October

By the time this week came I was unable to eat at all. The smell of the house made me sick, the smell of the dogs made me sick, the smell of another person made me sick and I only had to think about food to make me throw up!!

The sickness had increased to 30 times a day, I was keeping nothing down although I lived in denial telling myself I was fine. I was so low, I would have done anything to just have a day off being sick. I still felt that nobody understood, I felt angry that people didn't "get it". I was unable to move off the sofa and the only time I got any relief was when I was sleeping.

I had a basin in my hands every waking second as I didn't have time to get to the toilet. I couldn't control it.

I felt really down, I didn't care about anything or anyone. I was tired, I struggled to keep my eyes open, I just wanted it all to end - any way possible.

By the time Saturday came I was extremely dehydrated (although I didn't know it), I couldn't walk, my hand, arms, and feet were numb, I could feel my eyes rolling about but didn't have the strength to stop it.

Mum eventually persuaded me to get help. Dad, Steve and Emma had already tried but I insisted I was fine. I wasn't. If I had ingnored them any longer I could well not be here now. Steve phoned NHS 24 who advised me to go to the out of hours doctors in Perth.

I struggle to remember the rest of the night, I remember vomiting uncontrolably in the van on the way to Perth, I remember begging for any injection which would stop me being sick, I remember the doctor acting very worried, I remember getting put in the back of an ambulance, I remember lots of injections and blood tests and being asked lots of questions in Ninewells.

I closed my eyes in hospital and didn't know if I'd wake up but I didn't care as long as the sickness stopped

Week 10

19th October

Nothing could have prepared me for what was about to come.....

My sickness became much worse, I was eating and drinking very little, I felt alone and very depressed. I took a lot out on Steve and snapped at him a lot. He was the only person who seen me that way I was and physically he could see what was happening but emotionally he could never understand. He did all he could for me but I couldn't accept that. Unless he could stop this sickness he couldn't help me. I do owe a lot to him, he did what he could but for me, at that time, it wasn't enough.....

Movement made my sickness worse so I would spend hour after hour, day after day lying in bed or lying on the sofa. I sat in the house looking out the window wishing for this sickness to go away. I cried a lot at the most stupid stuff which I put down to pregnancy hormones. I snapped at people for no reason, only because nobody understood!! They made me feel as if I was making a big deal out of nothing, lots of people experience morning sickness, don't they?

I seen another doctor this week who, again, didn't seem to concerned. I showed him a diary of my sickness (which showed 19-25 episodes of sickness a day over 5 days). He signed me off work for two weeks and sent me away. By now I had just accepted this was normal.

Week 9

12th October

This week I was extremly tired and was sleeping up to 13 hours a night. However, I wasn't feeling quite as sick and was being sick about 10 - 15 times a day. Because this was 5 times less a day than the previous week I didn't realise how serious it acually still was.

I was beginning to feel a bit fed up already and enjoyed having family and friends around so I wasn't so lonely. However, at the same time I wanted to be alone, I didn't want people hearing me being sick, I couldn't be bothered making conversation with anyone.

People were still, with the best intentions, suggesting ways for me to help the sickness. I tried everything that was suggested but nothing made any difference. I accepted the advice and thanked people but it was so hard because people just were not understanding how it felt.

I went back to the doctors on Wednesday. I explained my sickness to the doctor, I explained that I was being sick up to 15 times a day, I explained that I was unable to eat, I wasn't drinking very much, I was passing little urine and every day activities (like having a shower) had become too difficult. This doctor (who obviously has no clue about this illness) told me nothing could be done and refused to even write me a sick line for work!! I was nearly in tears before he gave in and wrote me another line for a week. I couldn't believe how unsympathetic somebody could be. After speaking to this doctor I started thinking this was just normal morning sickness and really believed nothing could be done.

Week 8

5th October

I was due back to work on Tuesday, I was worried about going back because over the last couple of days I had become very sick. I was sick a couple of times every waking hour (up to 20 times a day).

Work was difficult on Tuesday, I kept disappearing to the toilet which in my job isn't really possible. I tried my hardest to get on with it and pretend I was fine. I struggled through the day but I managed it. I was extremely tired that night after work which made the sickness worse.

I had days off on Wednesday and Thursday which I was thankful for. I made an appointment with the doctor on Thursday. I got a young doctor who didn't know much about "morning sickness" so he called another colleague in to discuss what to do. The more experienced doctor explained to me that medication during pregnancy was too dangerous so all I was to do was rest. He signed me off work for a week.

I had never heard of "hyperemesis", I knew nothing about sickness during pregnancy, I knew nothing about taking medication during pregnancy and I definately never knew anything about the effects hyperemesis can have on a person emotionally. I left the doctors that day knowing nothing more than I did when I went in.

The rest of that week was a struggle, although I did manage to eat and drink. I craved bland food like dry spagetti, baked potato and soup.

Week 7

28th September

On Monday, we went to Edinburgh to see Beauty and the Beast at the theatre and then travelled to Oban on Tuesday.

Tuesday morning was the start of hyperemesis. I was sick a couple of times but picked myself back up and got on with the rest of the holiday. I felt nauseous all day and asked for dry pasta in the restaurant for my evening meal.

Wednesday morning brough the same. I was sick a couple of times and had a piece of dry toast for breakfast. We were travelling back home today and we had to pull over a couple of times to be sick. We had a good holiday but I was really glad to be home.

On Friday, we had booked an early scan in Perth. We did this so that we could tell our friends and family before 12 weeks because I couldn't have waited that long!! We were both nervous but excited getting the first scan. It was great to see the heartbeat but there wasn't much else to see! We went out for some lunch after but I struggled to eat it and the smell of food all around was difficult.

Over the weekend, we told family and friends. Everyone was really pleased and it was a relief to have shared it!! Everyone was giving me tips on how to help the sickness, which by now had become several times a day. They said to eat crackers, eat ginger food, drink ginger tea/ale, drink tea and eat a biscuit before getting up in the morning, the list went on. I tried it ALL!!! At this stage I had no idea of what was still to come

Week 6

21st September 2009

We found out a week ago that I was pregnant and although it was a shock and unexpected we're both very happy. Apart from a bit of cramping and tiredness, I am experiencing no symptoms.

We're both off work for two weeks now and have a holiday planned starting on Friday, I'm looking forward to getting away. On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday we painted the hall, living room and bedroom and got a carpet laid. On Thursday, we packed and put the dogs away for the next week.

On Friday, we went to Auchen Castle in Moffat, followed by Blackpool and St Annes on Saturday. We then travelled to the Low Wood Hotel in the Lake District.